Hey lovelies, I have a story for you. This is my way of showing my appreciation to you. For the love shown towards me. I love you so much ❤️❤️❤️.
x x x x x
The city is lit; Christmas lights, fireworks, phone lights, every bar is open filled with people, I suppose this is the best season for bar owners. The city centre is really busy and I doubt anyone is in their home. People are still spreading Christmas cheers seven days after? The scenario is too much for me and my mind goes wandering when I first moved here. The season really made the city loud and the once quiet city now alive.
Laughter, tears, screams, togetherness, celebration and “I love You’s”; New Year’s Day brings about those. Everyone with their special humans – family, friends, colleagues and lovers.
Realizing my hand is not intertwined in another’s, I panic for a bit; I can’t find my man. How does one literally drag another person out of her comfort zone to an unfamiliar place and go missing? I don’t enjoy being around so many people all at once, but sometimes you go out of your comfort zone for the ones you love. I know no one is paying me any attention but anxiety starts to creep in.
Eyes scanning through the crowd, searching for the man of my dreams. It’s so typical of him to do this – invite me out because “socializing”. After searching ahead and around, I find him! My heart trying to be as calm as possible, fists unfolding gradually, I meet his eyes.
He is right in front of me, knees touching the ground, and looking into my eyes. His arms are stretched towards me bearing gift. We promised not to gift each other since he already got me something really expensive for Christmas. Now I feel like crap, I did not get him anything (way to go D, way to go!); my eyes start in the direction of open stores while my brain calculates how much money I have on me, I could easily slip out and get a random but thoughtful last minute gift….
I feel someone tugging on my sleeves, to get my attention. I see something sparkle amidst the lightings around and in that moment, my emotions flood in, I’m overwhelmed and I start to cry……
I remember moving to a new city with no idea on how to survive. I moved to a place unknown to me. Only fascinated by the name and loving the population. Being introverted made things seem difficult. I walked into him at the grocery store “no you don’t want to drink that, it upsets the stomach” he said, hearing sarcasm in his voice when he said it looked like I knew my way around the store. He is the one person who was my guide, like a baby learning to stand on her own I was. We seemed to fit, not a perfect fit but just enough … there goes my mind wandering. “Babe?” He tugs on my sleeves again, “pay attention it’s important”.
“It was my grandmother’s and I don’t know why dad did not give it to mom. Maybe she wanted something new; that I would never know because I never asked. You’ve met her, so you know what she’s like, being so in vogue and all of that… Okay, I digress. The details on this ring remind me of our path, the one already journeyed and more to go. This ring is a promise of forever and a day more. Will you marry me Tee? I love you.”
By this time I’ve already made a mess of my face (eyeliner smudged), looking for something to dab my face as I begin wiping the tears with my hand. I notice a crowd staring in our direction. My heart tells a different story than my face shows, I’m filled with joy. My man wants to make it officially official – in front of God and my parents and everyone he holds dear. Every bone and muscle in me is screaming yes and I do.
He really shouldn’t have done this. A public proposal? He knows it’s not my thing, I’d rather he wakes me up with a morning kiss and a ring to
propose. There’s so much pressure now not to turn him down from these watchful eyes and hopeful spirits.
Tears rolling down my cheeks and this time I don’t try to stop them; I open my mouth to speak but words seem to evade me. So I just look at him, I see features I’ve never noticed before; he has the kind of freckles that you have to really be searching for to find, his eyes have a touch of brown in them, his nose points out a bit, he also has this line dividing his face evenly and that striking jaw I love.
I bend down to his level and cup his face in my palms; he in turn holds my trembling hands. “Let’s not do this here babe” I whisper with pleading eyes and he understands. Placing the ring in my hand, “hold on to this” he says and I do.
x x x x x
It’s been 2 days since the incident and there’s no sign of David. The ring is sitting on my dresser; it’s been there the whole time waiting for me to change my mind. I make a mental note to mail it to him, I wouldn’t want to keep a family treasure when I’m not one. Two days of thinking and I’ve finally decided to visit home. I don’t miss it that much but I need to.
The journey back home is going to be a long one, one that I’m already regretting. Packing up my clothes while tearing up not just because I rejected David’s proposal but saying those words and giving no explanation whatsoever – “it’s not you babe, it’s me”.
The walk back to my apartment had been the longest ever considering it being fifteen minutes from the celebration. Walking in silence, trying as hard as possible not to meet with David’s eye. Heck I didn’t even know why I said no, but I knew saying yes wouldn’t be right. I had unattended issues I ran away from and these have shaped me into who I had been for the last couple of years, who I still am in this moment.
David didn’t deserve “I don’t want to talk about them” when he asked about my family, he should know the truth.
My therapist warned me, “running won’t solve your problem, you have to confront them” he said. Words that woke me panting for air most nights at midnight since I left, words that haunted me.
People are here; my landlord asking if I’ll be back, my friends saying their goodbyes and sweet Anna my next door neighbour with her mouth-watering apple pie – “take this for the road my dear, I hope to see you soon”- all there; everyone but David.
Stepping into the cab with my suitcase in hand, bidding farewell to the faces I see, I know this will be my last time here. As the car zooms off, I look behind one last time. To take in the city that once accepted me, and to check if David is there. He’s nowhere in sight and this tells me I made the right decision – a man that wants me should be ready to chase after me.